Friday, February 10, 2017

What If Horror Movie Monster Battle #1 Lumberjack Man vs. Gingerdead Man

Hello everyone I'm Jack Red, I can't believe I'm about to present such an ridiculous fight. First up is an more recent parody slasher horror icon Lumberjack Man. Opposing him is probably one of the most ridiculous horror movie monsters ever created in existence. Say hello to Gingerdead Man now I wouldn't want to eat around these guys.

Lumberjack Man

This guy has an difficult to take seriously origin. He was an lumberjack that loves eating pan cakes with his family secret syrup. One day an businessman comes around after an long walk to try his pan cakes. He quickly got amazed by it to tried offering him to hand over his secret syrup recipes. But he refused pissing off the businessman to end up killing him & stealing it. For many years this town's favorite syrup was actually part of an horrible crime covered up. Lumberjack Man comes back from the grave to kill people. Following every kill he uses his victim's blood into his syrup & eats pan cakes.

Gingerdead Man

An serial killer that kept killing people until he got caught. He was sentence to death but his story gets weirder. An mysterious person took his ash hide it inside flour then left it at an local bakery. Somehow during the baking process of an gingerbread man. Gingerdead Man came alive quickly going around kill people. This small guy has been through some of the strangest movies I ever seen. His second movie had an movie being made with him killing people mostly in the back stage area. His third movie you find out there exists an prison for killer living food. He escaped through an time device going back to the 70s. Very quickly doing what he does best to only find out two kids already prevented everything he's done. His fourth movie is an crossover with Evil Bong. Which by itself is an strange horror movie just imagine both of them in the same movie.

Let's get some of the obvious facts out of the way first. Yes both are them are parody rip offs of other horror icons. Lumberjack Man is one of many ripping off Jason Voorhees whose ripping off Michael Myers. Gingerdead Man is one of many ripping off Chucky but possibly the most ridiculous of them all. Yes this is an strange food fight to the death. No body is safe with both of them going around killing people. Honestly I'm trying not to laugh too hard about this fight. Both these monsters have their pros & cons to consider to determine who would win in an fight.

Lumberjack Man
+Easily survive almost everything making him several times tougher than an normal person
+Somehow can kill someone with an giant pan cake
+Much stronger than an normal person
+Can use anything as an weapon
+Has more weapons at his disposal

-Although he stays on top of his victims, he isn't very bright & becomes predictable
-Only those from that businessman's family covered in his syrup can kill him
-Alive for an limited amount of time

Gingerdead Man
+Faster than most people
+Can use anything as an weapon with some trouble
+Tougher than an normal person
+If eaten by someone, he possesses their body

-Surprisingly dumb
-Easier weaknesses to figure out
-Very predictable after people realize he's trying to kill them
-Although he puts up an fight, many more fight can handle him in their hands
-Being an pervert could cause him to drop his guard at the worst possible time
-Allows anger to blind his judgment
-Loves to talk especially cursing & dirty

This is going to be an close fight but with everything considered. I have to give this to Lumberjack Man for many great reasons. For one thing he is much stronger & tougher than an normal person. Lumberjack Man has killed more people in his movies than those that still count in Gingerdead Man's. Which would make him more experience as an killer. Lumberjack Man is more difficult to predict since he doesn't make much sounds or speak. Unfortunately for Gingerdead Man he lacks an way to kill Lumberjack Man. He may be faster but one particular scene has proven Lumberjack Man is ready for many faster runners. Lumberjack Man has more weapons available to him. Also Gingerdead Man has easy weaknesses to use against him in comparison. Finally Gingerdead Man's personality is the big reason why he would lose this fight. Clearly loves to talk, always angry and spies on beautiful women. Lumberjack Man often looks for people like that to kill. Now considering it is likely Lumberjack Man would eat Gingerdead Man shortly afterwards. I'm not considering that scenario since the fight is already over. There is an possibility Gingerdead Man may not be able to possess him since he's already dead.

The Winner of this monster battle is Lumberjack Man

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